Colin receives a letter.......

[Psucamper]

Thought it's time for a little levity so I wrote:

Dear Dr.Kellogg
Although we have not met,I have been reliably informed by a colleague that you are possessed of certain expertise in the area of things mechanical. I, on the other hand, have no interest in such arcane matters as I prefer a more cerebral exercise. However,be that as it may, a close friend,Dr.John Watson has propounded an intriguing conundrum. The gist of the matter is as follows.

Watson reports that one of his acquaintances has acquired what he terms a "Volkswagen Bus" Apparently some sort of mechanical conveyance. The name is almost certainly Germanic. He has made it clear to Dr.Watson that this "Bus" of his is a rather complicated device that frequently stops operating and at inconvenient times. Logically,one would think that a horse drawn carriage would be infinitely preferable to untimely mechanical unreliability.

Watson has further related to me a number of details and words whose meaning I cannot possibly fathom. To wit:fuel pump?,thermo time switch?,double relay?. Do any of these have meaning? I have doubts.Such terms are definitely not in my lexicon and are possibly those of a confused mind.Watson reports that he has known this man for years and has seemed a stable and reputable person. This is odd.

I have had occasion to mention this to my brother Mycroft but he refuses to entertain discussion.All I could discern from his mumblings was something like "they're the work of the Devil" and "Moriarty".Such inferences escape me.

What is even more compelling is that the person in question has been seen lying in contorted positions under this so called "Bus" and using language unbecoming a gentleman.Watson can give no explanation for this bizarre behavior. My immediate thought is that he consider taking a mild opiate,but I defer to Dr.Watsons expertise in matters of mental dysfunction.

If you have insight into such aberrant and erratic behavior,Watson and I would be grateful for advice.Any hint explaining such behavior may aid in alleviating his condition. An untreated malady as outlined above could have devastating consequences. Until I hear from you,I remain your obt servant. Respectfully.
S.Holmes
221B Baker St.
London

[jonyem]

That's funny.
I'm reading the entire collection of Sherlock Holmes right now.
I paid a visit to 221b Baker St., London this summer.

[Amskeptic]

Dear Dr.Kellogg
Although we have not met,I have been reliably informed by a colleague that you are possessed of certain expertise in the area of things mechanical.

Watson reports that one of his acquaintances has acquired what he terms a "Volkswagen Bus" Apparently some sort of mechanical conveyance.

If you have insight into such aberrant and erratic behavior, Watson and I would be grateful for advice.
Any hint explaining such behavior may aid in alleviating his condition.
Respectfully.
S.Holmes
221B Baker St.
London

Mr. Holmes,

It is with no small sadness and condolence that I inform you of the likely etiology of your acquaintance's malady. Essentially, there is no known cure. From the best information currently available, such fevers and vapors combine to elicit a hallucinogenic alteration of psycho-social interaction that victims will often state that they are having "fun" with these infernal transportation contrivances. We do know of reported "exhaust malfunctions" that in all cases lead to severe brain damage whereupon these tragic figures laugh and "roll down their windows" during cold snaps, leading of course to the dissipations.

Have your manservant pay a call to the aforementioned acquaintance and direct him most forcefully to execute this script reliably and faithfully:
"Hey man, I once had a van like that."
"I remember when we rode to the beach in one of those."
While so distracted, your acquaintance will likely not be aware of your surreptitious visit to the rearmost coal door. The mechanical device installed is an utter mystery at this time, but please perform the following sabotage, quickly. You will see an octopus appearing item made of some strange wondrous smooth material, affixed to a metallic cylindrical object with two clips. Release clips and lift octopus item. Pull smartly the center part made also of this peculiar substance, and repair it to your overcoat pocket, whilst rapidly replacing the octopus item and snapping the clips. We pray that you are not discovered in this truly moral effort to save a man's life.
Dr. Kellogg MD VW
Slow Cow Veterinary

[Psucamper]

Dear Dr.Kellogg
Thank you for the prompt reply to my enquiry. Your insight is helpful. However,it was most disheartening in that this malady appears to be unresponsive to current medical treatment.
Watson has gone off to the Royal Academy to confer with his peers,but I doubt that his efforts will be productive. We can but hope. To obliquely quote the Bard;"There are more things in heaven and earth Horatio".

In the meanwhile I believe we must try to ameliorate this singular situation. Taking full account of your instructions,I have devised a plan. To wit:I will request Watson take me to this mans domicile,
where I will appear suitably dressed as in itinerant tinker. Shabby clothes and a vacant expression should suffice. Such diversion should be adequate,as many itinerant workers appear to fit that description.

Watson will introduce me,and while he engages in meaningless conversation ,I will round to the rear of his conveyance and follow your instructions. I hope the "octopus" is readily evident as I have no knowledge of such. Once the deed is done,we will take our leave and at leisure examine the artifact. Beyond that we must wait for further consequences,if any.

These events have produced more questions than answers. I fear that we have not seen the end of this tale. Should more occurrences be uncovered I may find it necessary to open an investigation. If so,could you give thought to appropriate nomenclature? Possibly something of the order of..."The case of the ?????",

I am convinced that this problem has deep roots. If additional cases can be substantiated, a visit to 10 Downing Street may be in order. Let us pray that this will not eventuate. Again, thank you for your concern and advice.Respectfully,your obt servant,
S.Holmes
221B Baker St.
London