Jokes

[Emily's Owner]

This forum needs some jokes, I'll start:

A well-known professional gentleman was invited to deliver an after-dinner talk at a formal banquet attended by a gathering of rotarians and their wives. He was famous for taking too much drink and sometimes descending into the risque; on this occasion he was swaying and glassy eyed when he stared for a while at the diners and announced he would put to them a riddle.

"What's round and soft and surrounded by hair and gets wet when you poke it?" He demanded.

There was an embarassed silence as people exchanged horrified glances. He repeated the question, then said, "You don't know, do you? Well, I'll TELL you. It's a ..." and here he uttered a word which cannot be used in a polite forum such as this; suffice it to say that amid the shocked gasps the Head of the Table beckoned to the Headwaiter who came with two of his team and briskly led the offending speaker to the front door, gave him his hat and coat, and shut the door behind him.

He stood swaying there for a moment, then his Rolls purred up to the kerb and his chauffeur jumped out and opened the car door. As he stumbled to get in, the chauffeur observed "I see you made a mess of the eyeball joke again, sir."

[ruckman101]

Sounds like a Turtle Club joke.

a.) What's a four letter word meaning intercourse?

b.) What goes in pink, hard and stiff, and comes out soft and gooey?

c.) What is it that a man does standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog on three legs?

d.) What is it that pokes out of a man's pajamas so far that you can hang a hat on it?


a.) Talk.

b.) Chewing gum.

c.) Shake hands.

d.) His head.



neal

[hercdriver]

A Captain for an airline flight makes his inflight speech in his best captain's voice. Afterward he looks over to his First Officer (while forgetting to switch from PA to inter-phone) and states "Man could I go for a cup of coffee and a blow job!). Horrified, a Flight Attendant in the cabin fears that this idiot might say something more over the PA, so she starts running up the aisle to the cockpit before the Captain can say anything else. As she's running by a man in first class, he exclaims "Miss you forgot the coffee.".

[Lanval]

Q: What's the difference between a seamstress and a Baroque trumpet player?

A: A seamstress tucks up frills.

[Randy in Maine]

Not really a joke as Joe, Sr. (the 70 year old guy who works on my Jeep was telling me of a conversation between him and his wife)....

Joe: "You know, I have a lot of pretty nice tools in my shop. When I die, I don't want the asshole that you marry to be using my tools."

Mrs. Joe: "What makes you think I would marry another asshole?"

That may be some sort of Maine humor I guess.

[Jivermo]

...and speaking of death: when you are dead, you don't know it. It's only difficult for other people.

Same goes for stupid.

[Amskeptic]

A four year-old and a six year-old are waking up for another day.
"I am now old enough to swear," declares the six year-old.
(if you're old enough to swear, I know I must be too, thinks the four year-old)

They hurtle into the kitchen where their mother asks the six year-old,
"Would you like corn flakes or raisin bran?"
"Ahh, give me a bowl of those goddamn corn flakes."

Whap! The mother backhands the six year-old,
"Don't you ever say that!"

She turns to the four year-old . . .
"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Well, you can bet your sweet ass I am not asking for corn flakes . . . "

[Bleyseng]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo shit . It means someone stole the tent."

[ruckman101]

Good ones!

neal

[Randy in Maine]

I hope "golf" jokes are allowed here....

A golfer was teeing of the 3rd green and hooked one out into the deep willywags. As he was searcing for his ball, he came upon an old wiskey bollte with a cork in it. He pulls off the cork, and whoooosh, a genie appears.

"Your 3 wishes are my command, sir", exclaims the genie.

"Actually", the golfer replies, "I have no wishes. I have everything anyone could ever want."

"In that case", replies the genie, " I am required to give you the 3 default wishes....all the money you could want, a great golf game, and a great sex life." The genie returns back to the bottle.

"Whatever", replies the golfer as he puts the cork back on and tosses the bottle into the deeper willywags.

Three years go by and the golfer is again at the 3rd green. As he is teeing off, a bee stings him on the leg and he launches the ball into the deep willywags. While searching for his ball, he finds the same wiskey bottle with the cork in it. Upon removeing the cork, the genie reappears.

"Wow", says the genie, "You look like the same guy that found me last time."

"That was me", replies the golfer, "now it is back in the bottle for you."

"Wait!" says the genie. "I have to know how the last wishes are working for you!"

"Well" says the golfer, "when ever I go to buy something, I just open my wallet and there is plenty of money in there to pay for anything. My golf game has been pretty good until that bee stung me. I am usually under par on every hole. Not bad."

"Well what about your sex life? Is it pretty good?", asks the genie.

"To be honest, I do have sex 2 or 3 times a month." replies the golfer.

The genie comes back with, "well that is not very good. You should be doing a lot better than 2 or 3 times a month."

"You do have to keep in mind", replies the golfer, "that I am a priest in a very small parish."

[JLT]

I hope "golf" jokes are allowed here....

Me, too. Because one of the greatest jokes of all time was about golf:

"I've never had a worse day on the course in my life!" he said to his wife when he got home.

"You didn't shoot very well?"

"Oh, I did OK, but one of the people in my foursome dropped stone dead on the third green!"

"That must have been horrible!"

"You can't imagine! For the next fifteen holes, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

[ruckman101]

I can't resist adding my favorite. I don't know why I get such a kick out of it, but it still tickles me to death.


Well ... , you know the old saying.

Yeah.



neal

[Lanval]

My golf joke:


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[ruckman101]

Another good one. I have a golf joke but I don't tell those kinds of jokes anymore.


neal

[Amskeptic]

I can't resist adding my favorite. I don't know why I get such a kick out of it, but it still tickles me to death.


Well ... , you know the old saying.

Yeah.



neal

Along those lines . . . (add Texas drawl)

"I tell you what . . . "
". . . what?"
"I just told you."