Itinerant Air-Cooled

Last week my best friend made the irreversible decision to end his own life. He was the funniest person in the room and everyone was his friend. Friends and family always surrounded him. We went to our first rock concert together after 8th grade, we were Best Man as each other’s weddings, and I am godfather to his daughter. I have considered him my true brother for over 30 years. Earlier this week I celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary by taking his wife and family out to his favorite restaurant for gyros. I think that was the point that this became real to me.

In contrast to his life, my friend died alone with a rope around his neck. It hurts me to think about how much pain he had to be in before he died and how much pain he has now inflicted on the people that love him. Six months ago, he asked me to design a sleeve tattoo to cover up some old work on his arm. The last contact I had with him was on 12/31 when we wished each other a Happy New Year. I found out that he stopped talking to most people within the last four months. He refused to seek counseling out of embarrassment of what others might think of him. He recently had surgery from an injury on the job and was out of work for a little while. It may be my way of coping, but I am wondering if he was mixing painkillers with alcohol. I can say from experience that he did not handle alcohol well so it might help explain why things may have ended this way. Otherwise, I have no answers.

I have thought about calling him during the past few weeks, but I never did. You take for granted that you will always have time to catch up later. I never got around to designing the tattoo I had promised. I have replayed the hours before he died in my mind a thousand times, wondering why I did not reach out sooner. The morning he died I was just sitting in a rocking chair, listening to the radio between 2am-4am. I could have called anytime during any of the 103 morning since we last spoke.

Right now, I have a mix of emotions. I am angry that he abandoned his family by committing this selfish act. He has forced them to figure out how to survive without him. I am sad that I lost the only person that I have ever called my best friend. He was part of almost every major memory that I have and now he’s gone. I feel betrayed by him for not being able to ask me for help when he needed it most. We did a lot of laughing together, but never really spoke about what hurts. I also regret that I did not take the time to ensure my best friend remembered how much his entire family and I loved him. I will miss you brother.

So sorry to hear. Prayers are with you all. Peace.


neal

I can't really offer much more than sorry. It hurts to read things like this; I can't imagine going through it firsthand. Thoughts are with you.

I wish you peace. And peace also to his other survivors.

But don't blame yourself, and don't blame them. The choice of roads was his alone. He could have turned to any of you at any time, but that was not his way. He made his choice based on a world-view that you did not share.

There was one point in my own life when that choice seemed very, very attractive to me. I didn't turn to anybody else, either. But I decided to give myself, and my life, a little more time to sort itself out. In my case, there was a happier ending. But I do understand the enormous persuasiveness of that world-view, and how the slightest things could push somebody in one direction and not another.

Other than that, I have no answers. But nobody else does, either. Life is for cherishing, not for making sense of.

locoqueso wrote:Last week my best friend made the irreversible decision to end his own life. He was the funniest person in the room and everyone was his friend. Friends and family always surrounded him. We went to our first rock concert together after 8th grade, we were Best Man as each other’s weddings, and I am godfather to his daughter. I have considered him my true brother for over 30 years.
my friend died alone with a rope around his neck.

That completely totally sucks. Eighth grade? Best Man trade? God daughter? Good god.
He kept all of his suffering to himself? Life of the party? Surrounded by friends?

How is his wife ( and daughter) holding up?
Colin

Yeah the survivors take it. It is a short cycle, much too short...for anything but gratitude. JLT nailed it.

I once said to a person who had suffered from serious depression that I couldn't fathom why anyone would actually want to die.
They told me that a person in that situation can't understand why they would want to live.
I shut up then, realizing that some things simply are beyond me.

So sorry to hear. My thoughts are with you. I don't understand suicide and I pray I never have to learn.

Thanks all. This has been a long week.

JLT wrote:Life is for cherishing, not for making sense of.

That's the truth.

Amskeptic wrote:How is his wife ( and daughter) holding up?

It's been rough but they are trying to accept it now. Her parents and his family are making sure someone is there each night. I've been speaking with his daughter so she knows the family is there for her. The last time she spoke to her father, it was a big argument so that is weighing on her mind.

locoqueso wrote:Thanks all. This has been a long week.

I've been speaking with his daughter. The last time she spoke to her father, it was a big argument so that is weighing on her mind.

That is a tough one . . .

Colin

grandfatherjim wrote:I once said to a person who had suffered from serious depression that I couldn't fathom why anyone would actually want to die.
They told me that a person in that situation can't understand why they would want to live.
I shut up then, realizing that some things simply are beyond me.

Bingo. Every time someone takes their own life, there are cries of "selfish" and "cowardice". But think about it, the person who would do this is suffering so badly that life seems pointless, or worse. So no matter how it hurts those around them, life had obviously hurt them more. Of course it's hard, but it's better to accept that they made a choice that a lottttttt of thought went into, instead of trying to blame anyone or any one thing.

As someone who has been known to be "the life of the party" and "friendly and fun", yet have battled depression for decades, I understand how hard it can be to sustain to the "role" of such, pretending to be happy so others can be, while inside suffering greatly. I've currently been battling these feelings myself lately, as I've given so much of myself to others only to be repeatedly kicked by those I've cared for. Luckily, my sense of continuing adventure over rides the impulse, but everyday is still a constant battle. I've always been of the opinion that if I feel like dying, then I should just take more risks, as the worst case scenario is just that, death, and the best case is a greater love for the adventure of life.

This is a tragedy for all parties, but remember your friend as someone who literally gave his life for others, not one who took his from them.

Godspeed to him and his loved ones.

DjEep wrote: I've always been of the opinion that if I feel like dying, then I should just take more risks, as the worst case scenario is just that, death, and the best case is a greater love for the adventure of life.

Except for the fact that the worst case scenario in many such cases is not dying.

I don't know if I'm one to preach about that, though. For twenty years, I was professionally involved in a high-risk sport (hang gliding). Every time I or a friend hooked in, we faced the fact that if a whole lot of things went wrong at once, we could either die or be paralyzed. It was the latter that I feared more. But I had long ago made the decision that the joys of flight were worth the risk. I guess that's what you mean by "love for the adventure of life."

People in high-risk sports seldom have death wishes. Interestingly, of the hundreds and hundreds of pilots I'd met over the years, I know of only one who took his life, and that was with a shotgun, not a glider. He was a lot like locoqueso's friend ... outgoing, assertive, and self-confident to the point of cockiness. We never saw it coming.

JLT wrote:

DjEep wrote: I've always been of the opinion that if I feel like dying, then I should just take more risks, as the worst case scenario is just that, death, and the best case is a greater love for the adventure of life.

Except for the fact that the worst case scenario in many such cases is not dying.

I don't know if I'm one to preach about that, though. For twenty years, I was professionally involved in a high-risk sport (hang gliding). Every time I or a friend hooked in, we faced the fact that if a whole lot of things went wrong at once, we could either die or be paralyzed. It was the latter that I feared more. But I had long ago made the decision that the joys of flight were worth the risk. I guess that's what you mean by "love for the adventure of life."

People in high-risk sports seldom have death wishes. Interestingly, of the hundreds and hundreds of pilots I'd met over the years, I know of only one who took his life, and that was with a shotgun, not a glider. He was a lot like locoqueso's friend ... outgoing, assertive, and self-confident to the point of cockiness. We never saw it coming.

That's why I amskeptic. I swear I do not buy anyone's presentation any more. Not anyone's. I watch and listen to the white space surrounding the presentation. If they present such a perfect facade of "nice, helpful, fun, whatever" without a good fucking meltdown "GOD I HATE THIS PLANET!" every once in a while, I do not trust them.

I seriously enjoy my horrible moments of existential hate or meaninglessness, or, most recently, paralyzing self-doubt that the cosmic joke is on me HA HA YOU SUCK, and getting through each goddamn second becomes a contest of will, I enjoy them only because it is a birth pain.
Colin

I wonder why people don't want to admit to the need to see a therapist. Something is awry in society, is what I think.
To me, it's a health issue. If you broke your arm, you'd go and get it dealt with, without any guilt or shame. I've gone, and it opened my eyes to things I doubt I would have discovered on my own - to my great benefit. Changed my life for sure.
Jim